Pumpkins All Around In My Little Red Wagon...

That's what Barney is singing right now on Sprout and I just know that this is what will be in my head for the next few days. The Sprout channel is a wonderful learning tool for children and I know that my son has learned a lot from it but I also know that I am not alone when I say that I CAN'T STAND it. Oh man, it's like these shows have subliminal messages in them or something! Even my 13 month old gets sucked into these shows and he doesn't know what they're talking about! It's like baby crack!

I have a confession to make. I had Joey a day after Johnnie's third birthday during the summer and Joey was a difficult baby who was hungry ALL.THE.TIME. No joke. I was seriously breastfeeding this kid (sorry) every hour and a half for at least 45 minutes so this didn't leave much time for poor three year old Johnnie. I felt bad and we had a lot of family members that would take him out for the day and things like that but there were some days where I would be at home with him all day and would have to find things to entertain him in between feedings. We would do the usual preschooler projects but sometimes he would just want to hang out and watch TV so I would set him up in the living room or my bedroom and put on his favorite channel (Sprout).

But then, something would go terribly, terribly wrong for this poor three year old and he would accidentally change the channel to CNN or The Weather Channel or maybe even just static and this sad little boy would come running to wherever I was nine out of ten times feeding his new but extremely inconvenient little brother.

So, I did what any quick thinking but stuck-on-the-couch-feeding-a-newborn mother would do. I taught my three year old how to use the remote. It was the only thing I could do at the time and....he's....learning....his....numbers,....right? (Just humor me.)

I'm not proud of this fact (okay, maybe a little) but my son knows how to get to Spout, Disney Channel, Cartoon Network, and ESPN. I'm pretty sure my husband did some teaching of his own on that last one.

But to every good thing there is a downside, and the downside to our situation is OH MY GOD, WE TAUGHT OUR CHILD HOW TO USE THE REMOTE!!! WHAT WERE WE THINKING??? And this kid knows how to use it. We'll all be sitting around, enjoying a very educational hour of Jersey Shore or The Bad Girl's Club when all of a sudden we'll see a '1', '1', and an '8' pop up at the top of the screen. All of the adults in the room will scan the room for Johnnie and he'll be off in a corner sitting with the remote trying to act like a perfect little angel while not making eye contact with anyone. How do we not notice that instead of seeing a bunch of drunken people get into fights we're seeing Caillou talk to his cat Gilbert about what he did at playschool? (Shoot me now for knowing that.)

TANGENT ALERT: I really hate Caillou. Like, to my core. Maybe it's his incessantly high pitched voice and the only way I know that he's not a girl is because they say it in the theme song? Maybe it's the fact that he's supposed to be four years old and is bald while his whole family, including his younger sister, all have hair? Maybe it's the simple fact that I am 26 years old and know waaaaayyy too much about a show aimed at a preschooler market?

Now I'm just depressed.


It's Hot and I'm Whiny

According to Weather.com it is currently 92 degrees outside and my thermostat says it is 85 degrees in my house. This is not normal for Washington state, especially since we pretty much haven't had a summer at all this year, and Washington houses do not come equipped with air conditioners. I don't know how to react to the heat like this and my first instinct is to wear the least amount of clothing I can get away with, eat Otter Pops and lay on the floor. While whimpering and whining about how hot it is.

Aren't Otter Pops incredible? They are probably my most favorite food, if you can even call them a food. We don't get them often because I lack any kind of self-control and will literally grab them by the sheetful and eat about 20 to 30 in one sitting without even realizing it. And I don't use any fancy scissors to open my Otter Pops. No, I've learned and honed the divine skill of ripping them open with my teeth. I am very lady-like if you can't tell. Usually after the carnage is done we will find the little plastic tops all over our house for weeks if not months.

Have you ever felt the pain of the sudden realization that you are out of Otter Pops? It is almost unbearable. Picture this, you're going about your day to day activities when all of a sudden a little thought pops into your head, "I think an Otter Pop would be delicious and refreshing right about now". You walk into your kitchen and on over to your fridge all hopeful and optimistic, you open your freezer door, then WHAMO! You're hit with the sudden realization that you're staring into an Otter Pop-less void. It's utterly depressing.

I really wish I had an Otter Pop right now.

P.S. I'm sorry this post is random and not very interesting. My brain can't function like this.


Mother and Son

Johnnie (4 years old): You smell like poop.

Maria (26 years old): You smell like poop.

Johnnie: You smell like poop and garbage.

Maria: You smell like poop and garbage.

Johnnie: You smell like poop, garbage...and cats.

Maria: .......you win, my friend, you win.

How do you top cats? Really? This kid's a genius. I'm imagining a smell that would most likely come from one of the houses on Hoarders. I should be really offended that he would say such a thing to me, his mother, but instead I'm kind of proud in a twisted way. Like I almost did something right.

Aw, I think he's going to do well in school.

Remember How I Said I Was Going To Start Tanning?

Well, I started and I've successfully burned the crap out of various parts of my body including my boobs and my ass. I would show you a picture but since this is only our third date it's probably inappropriate and I don't want you to think I'm easy. Not yet at least ;).

Anyhoo, I am in a lot of pain. And itchy. Oh boy, am I itchy. And since the worse burns are on my private areas it's not really appropriate to just go ahead and scratch my boobs at the doctor's office or my ass in line at Walmart. I could but I don't think it'd be appreciated.

It's really not my fault I burned, though, it's the stupid fan's fault. There was a fan in the room and I cleverly aimed it right at my head and decided since I'm half Greek, even though I haven't tanned in probably two years and am naturally very pale, that I could totally go the whole 20 minutes in the bed. Totally, right? And since I had the fan blowing cold air on my head I didn't realize that my body was sizzling and sparking at all. Not one bit. So, this is all the fan's fault with it's wonderfully cold, cold deceiving air.

I think I may sue.


Should I Just Be Fat For Vacation?

In less than two weeks, Jeff and I will be on a plane aimed for San Juan, Puerto Rico. This will be our first real vacation in the five years we've been together and will be the week of our third wedding anniversary. We both are crazy excited to go, especially because we'll be sans kids and we never had a honeymoon, but we've both slacked off a little in the working out department.

You see, I had our second child last summer and gained 45 extra pounds and Jeff tends to hibernate for the winter. And, like any other human/bear hybrid, he grows a ridiculously thick beard, doesn't cut his hair, and decides that eating nothing but pizza everyday for three weeks straight is perfectly acceptable behavior. What sucks for me, in a competition sort of way, is that he can diet and work out for three days and drop 20 pounds. At least. I've dieted my ass off (literally and figuratively) but am not yet where I would like my body to be while we're in a paradise type setting. I've gotten the number on the scale to match the number that I was before I got knocked up, and yet, my body still looks...what's a good word for it?...Lumpy. Yes, I am still very lumpy.

I have not quite given up on the hope that I will be in perfect shape when we leave but I have decided that the very least I can do is tan the crap out of my lumps so they are more camoflauged. I figure it'd be a nice courtesy for the people that have to look at me when we're out on the beach. What can I say? I'm a giver.

Here's a pic of where we're going. I seriously cannot wait.

picture courtesy of pictureware.com

Well, Hi There World!

It looks like I've finally jumped onto the 'bloggity blog' bandwagon. Let's see how long this lasts, shall we?

First, I'll introduce myself. I am a married, stay-at-home mother of two boys that used to really be into writing. I used to really enjoy putting my thoughts and feelings down on paper but somewhere along the way it seems like my brain and schedule joined forces and told my writing skill to suck it. I'm really hoping I can get it back again, it's been awhile.

This blog isn't going to be specific in any way. It'll probably be part mommy blog, part storytelling blog, part craft blog, and who knows what else will be thrown into the mix. I'm just hoping that it'll be a fun place to come to while you're slacking off at work or ignoring the kiddos. Just kidding...not really.

Sooooo, on that note, thanks for stopping by!