You Probably Shouldn't Even Bother Yourself With Reading This...

I drank way too much coffee today so right now I'm feeling like I need to clean all my bathrooms from top to bottom, hit up a Joann Fabric's hard, and finally clean out the 'too small' clothes in my kid's closets. With a slight case of paranoid anxiety underlying it all. Fun times. Most likely I'll just alternate between hanging out on the computer and crocheting flowers. I'm really into crocheting flowers right now.

Wanna know how I was able to get myself into such a state? Because I FINALLY bought a full-sized coffee maker from Walmart yesterday for only, brace yourself, $6.88. Seriously. Obviously it's the lowest of the low when you're talking about coffee maker quality, but who cares? I've got crack in a cup. Yay!

On a completely unrelated topic (that is really probably something best for a Twitter 'tweet' or something or other but I'm getting old and Twitter scares me) Johnnie was talking to my husband about numbers earlier today and Jeff asked him what his favorite number was. Johnnie didn't even skip a beat and told him that his favorite number is one. And the reason? Because it's easy. Hmmm.

And then he sang a song about it.

I apologize for this abomination masquerading around as a legitimate post. Because it's not.

P.S. Did anyone watch Glee last night???? I did and do you know who's freakin' excited it's back?? This girl. And Puck is still hot. Just sayin'.

Maria, The Awesome, Fights A Jellyfish *UPDATE WITH PICTURES!*

View from our room. Jealous much? Yeah, I thought so.

When Jeff and I arrived in Puerto Rico last month we were beyond ecstatic. According to weather reports online it was supposed to be raining the whole time we were there but it wasn't at all. Actually, it only rained the day we left while we were on our way to the airport. It was just gorgeous. And hot.

The minute we walked out of the airport it was like we were punched in the face by the humidity. Being from western Washington we were definitely not used to this weather but we really didn't care. It was sunny!





We got in around 1:30 in the afternoon and went straight to the hotel. Even though we weren't supposed to be able to check into our room until 4:00pm they let us check-in anyway and even upgraded our room so we'd have a view of the ocean. BONUS!!! We were totally thinking that this trip was just getting better and better. We went up to our room, checked it out, looked out the window and saw how absolutely GORGEOUS the beach was and decided that we were gonna go play in the water.



We laid out on the beach for awhile and hung out but after awhile I got bored and wanted to go hop over waves and whatnot so we did that. The water was so warm and the sand was really soft under our feet. The only problem was that I kept getting salt water in my eyes and it would hurt so bad and I would just stand there holding my eye closed afraid to open it because I was wearing my contacts. I'm sure I was a sight.




Right before the attack. So happy. So hopeful.

So there Jeff and I are, only two hours into our trip and having a great time. We're jumping around, giggling, and trying not to get knocked down by the waves when I felt a very, very slight tingling feeling on my foot. I really didn't notice it until it was an afterthought which I brought up to Jeff. We didn't really think it was a jellyfish or anything, probably something that just felt weird, and in typical Maria and Jeff fashion we took the joke too far and were just saying stupid things and pretending to get stung when all of a sudden it felt like someone had tasered the back of my leg. I've never actually been shot with a taser, but that is exactly what I think one would feel like. My voice got all high-pitched and squealy and I started hopping towards the beach. When we got out and looked at my leg there was about a half dollar sized red spot on my leg. Within a couple minutes it had doubled in size and became a giant welt. My whole leg felt like it was on fire and when we showed the sting to the doorman he kind of chuckled and was like, "Yup, that's a jellyfish sting." Thanks buddy, we figured that out.



I wont tell you what happened when we got into the room but I will say that the theory of urinating on a jellyfish sting happens to be a giant freakin' lie and doesn't work. Theoretically speaking, of course. It's not like I begged my husband to pee on my leg while I stood in the shower awkwardly or anything. Ahem. I will say that it's a good thing that I was the one out of the two of us that got stung because if it was my husband we probably would've ended up going home that evening and I would have had to listen to him whine about how he got stung for the rest of my natural born life.

The End.



P.S. Did you know that jellyfish stings typically tend to go away after about a day but then a week later will totally come back itching like a mother-effer? Yeah, I didn't either. But they do. Oh god, do they ever. And they can keep coming back for up to nine months! Yay me!

P.P.S. Things like this tend to only happen to me. This is why I am scared of everything and basically live like a hermit.

P.P.P.S. Once my computer quits being so douchey I will post pictures for y'all! Can't wait!

********************************************************************************
Here are some of those pics I promised awhile back! I just want to add to the story above that the welt went down after the first night and the rest of the trip was awesome. Every once in awhile I'd accidently scratch it and want to keep itching but I can practice self control every now and again.

Oh! Hello There!

Hey, how have you been? Long time no see! Come around these parts often? Me neither, apparently.

If you couldn't tell I have been absent for awhile and while I had all these awesome pictures and stories to share with you guys it probably isn't going to happen for another week or three or eighteen because my computer has given me the middle finger. Allegedly, someone has bogged it down with computer games and pictures. Allegedly.

My computer is a freebie from a family friend who builds computers for funsies (...I guess...) and doesn't have some fancy data/picture/music burning do-hickey program on it but "someone" has loaded so much stuff onto the poor beast that at any moment it's about to blow and everything I love will be destroyed. All right, it's not quite that dramatic, but it feels like it cause I really could lose all my pictures. And I like my pictures. And since it is so full of pictures and other important things like The Sims that I can't even install any CD/DVD burning software. Woe is me. (A normal person would just say, "Uninstall The Sims and then reinstall it later", but I can't because I can't find the box the game came in and it's got a code on it that is needed when installing it. Wow, I'm a nerd.)

Anywho, my solution is to head off to Best Buy and get one of those flash drive thingamajigs and figure out how to work that thing and temporarily make some room so I can get the CD/DVD burning software installed. Then we can really get this show on the road.

Now to make you guys like me again I'm gonna leave you with this:

Whussup

Pumpkins All Around In My Little Red Wagon...

That's what Barney is singing right now on Sprout and I just know that this is what will be in my head for the next few days. The Sprout channel is a wonderful learning tool for children and I know that my son has learned a lot from it but I also know that I am not alone when I say that I CAN'T STAND it. Oh man, it's like these shows have subliminal messages in them or something! Even my 13 month old gets sucked into these shows and he doesn't know what they're talking about! It's like baby crack!

I have a confession to make. I had Joey a day after Johnnie's third birthday during the summer and Joey was a difficult baby who was hungry ALL.THE.TIME. No joke. I was seriously breastfeeding this kid (sorry) every hour and a half for at least 45 minutes so this didn't leave much time for poor three year old Johnnie. I felt bad and we had a lot of family members that would take him out for the day and things like that but there were some days where I would be at home with him all day and would have to find things to entertain him in between feedings. We would do the usual preschooler projects but sometimes he would just want to hang out and watch TV so I would set him up in the living room or my bedroom and put on his favorite channel (Sprout).

But then, something would go terribly, terribly wrong for this poor three year old and he would accidentally change the channel to CNN or The Weather Channel or maybe even just static and this sad little boy would come running to wherever I was nine out of ten times feeding his new but extremely inconvenient little brother.

So, I did what any quick thinking but stuck-on-the-couch-feeding-a-newborn mother would do. I taught my three year old how to use the remote. It was the only thing I could do at the time and....he's....learning....his....numbers,....right? (Just humor me.)

I'm not proud of this fact (okay, maybe a little) but my son knows how to get to Spout, Disney Channel, Cartoon Network, and ESPN. I'm pretty sure my husband did some teaching of his own on that last one.

But to every good thing there is a downside, and the downside to our situation is OH MY GOD, WE TAUGHT OUR CHILD HOW TO USE THE REMOTE!!! WHAT WERE WE THINKING??? And this kid knows how to use it. We'll all be sitting around, enjoying a very educational hour of Jersey Shore or The Bad Girl's Club when all of a sudden we'll see a '1', '1', and an '8' pop up at the top of the screen. All of the adults in the room will scan the room for Johnnie and he'll be off in a corner sitting with the remote trying to act like a perfect little angel while not making eye contact with anyone. How do we not notice that instead of seeing a bunch of drunken people get into fights we're seeing Caillou talk to his cat Gilbert about what he did at playschool? (Shoot me now for knowing that.)

TANGENT ALERT: I really hate Caillou. Like, to my core. Maybe it's his incessantly high pitched voice and the only way I know that he's not a girl is because they say it in the theme song? Maybe it's the fact that he's supposed to be four years old and is bald while his whole family, including his younger sister, all have hair? Maybe it's the simple fact that I am 26 years old and know waaaaayyy too much about a show aimed at a preschooler market?

Now I'm just depressed.

It's Hot and I'm Whiny

According to Weather.com it is currently 92 degrees outside and my thermostat says it is 85 degrees in my house. This is not normal for Washington state, especially since we pretty much haven't had a summer at all this year, and Washington houses do not come equipped with air conditioners. I don't know how to react to the heat like this and my first instinct is to wear the least amount of clothing I can get away with, eat Otter Pops and lay on the floor. While whimpering and whining about how hot it is.

Aren't Otter Pops incredible? They are probably my most favorite food, if you can even call them a food. We don't get them often because I lack any kind of self-control and will literally grab them by the sheetful and eat about 20 to 30 in one sitting without even realizing it. And I don't use any fancy scissors to open my Otter Pops. No, I've learned and honed the divine skill of ripping them open with my teeth. I am very lady-like if you can't tell. Usually after the carnage is done we will find the little plastic tops all over our house for weeks if not months.

Have you ever felt the pain of the sudden realization that you are out of Otter Pops? It is almost unbearable. Picture this, you're going about your day to day activities when all of a sudden a little thought pops into your head, "I think an Otter Pop would be delicious and refreshing right about now". You walk into your kitchen and on over to your fridge all hopeful and optimistic, you open your freezer door, then WHAMO! You're hit with the sudden realization that you're staring into an Otter Pop-less void. It's utterly depressing.

I really wish I had an Otter Pop right now.

P.S. I'm sorry this post is random and not very interesting. My brain can't function like this.

Mother and Son

Johnnie (4 years old): You smell like poop.

Maria (26 years old): You smell like poop.

Johnnie: You smell like poop and garbage.

Maria: You smell like poop and garbage.

Johnnie: You smell like poop, garbage...and cats.

Maria: .......you win, my friend, you win.

How do you top cats? Really? This kid's a genius. I'm imagining a smell that would most likely come from one of the houses on Hoarders. I should be really offended that he would say such a thing to me, his mother, but instead I'm kind of proud in a twisted way. Like I almost did something right.

Aw, I think he's going to do well in school.

Remember How I Said I Was Going To Start Tanning?

Well, I started and I've successfully burned the crap out of various parts of my body including my boobs and my ass. I would show you a picture but since this is only our third date it's probably inappropriate and I don't want you to think I'm easy. Not yet at least ;).

Anyhoo, I am in a lot of pain. And itchy. Oh boy, am I itchy. And since the worse burns are on my private areas it's not really appropriate to just go ahead and scratch my boobs at the doctor's office or my ass in line at Walmart. I could but I don't think it'd be appreciated.

It's really not my fault I burned, though, it's the stupid fan's fault. There was a fan in the room and I cleverly aimed it right at my head and decided since I'm half Greek, even though I haven't tanned in probably two years and am naturally very pale, that I could totally go the whole 20 minutes in the bed. Totally, right? And since I had the fan blowing cold air on my head I didn't realize that my body was sizzling and sparking at all. Not one bit. So, this is all the fan's fault with it's wonderfully cold, cold deceiving air.

I think I may sue.

Well, Hi There World!

It looks like I've finally jumped onto the 'bloggity blog' bandwagon. Let's see how long this lasts, shall we?

First, I'll introduce myself. I am a married, stay-at-home mother of two boys that used to really be into writing. I used to really enjoy putting my thoughts and feelings down on paper but somewhere along the way it seems like my brain and schedule joined forces and told my writing skill to suck it. I'm really hoping I can get it back again, it's been awhile.

This blog isn't going to be specific in any way. It'll probably be part mommy blog, part storytelling blog, part craft blog, and who knows what else will be thrown into the mix. I'm just hoping that it'll be a fun place to come to while you're slacking off at work or ignoring the kiddos. Just kidding...not really.

Sooooo, on that note, thanks for stopping by!